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Where is GJ?

By Friends & Family, The Web2 Comments

GJ disapeared off my Facebook friends list a few weeks ago now. When I tried to ring him (to see if he fancied the cinemas), no answer. In the end I had to ring an ex-partner and ask him to pass my number over facebook to GJ. I thought that GJ may have lost his phone and facebook had played up and deleted me, but this wasn’t the case. He had read I have a date on Saturday and had felt jealous. He told me when he eventually texted me that he didn’t want to read more. My response: Well it’s your choice to read my blog.

Sound harsh? I have often blogged about my blog being a creative outlet and allowing me to express how I feel about things. I can’t and won’t start censoring what I write to please or not upset people. GJ and I have a very complex history and relationship.

The basics are that we have tried dating and being in a relationship several times and it doesn’t work. We end up falling out and not talking for months. I hate not having him in my life so we decided to remain friends always.

When I realised that he had choose to delete me on facebook as a friend and choose not to answer my calls and texts it hurt. I had relied on him to always be there for me. Is that wrong? I mean after all he has no responsibility or obligation towards me. And if he met someone I’d be a little jealous that he’d have less time for me, but if the guy made him happy, I’d be happy for him. Sigh.

We got talking again and I invited him to mine for a gathering of some of my closest friends. He barely spoke to them, sat there with his arms folded and left early. He always seems to want more than friendship. One thing I know for definitate: is that it hasn’t worked in the past and therefore the probability of it working if we attempted it again is low. Besides which a good friend of mine always says “Move on to pastures new. There’s a reason it didn’t work.”

I reflected on the experience and to be honest, after his performance the other night and the fact that I actually like being single (selfishly I don’t have to consider anyone else) I am more than happy with a friendship with GJ. I simply wish that’s all that he wanted.

How can I handle this situation? Any advice or answers on a postcard please, or better yet: post a comment.

Antony

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Thursday 12 November 2009

An Unsent Letter

By Life, Love & RelationshipsNo Comments

I’ve mentioned before that I find writing this blog theraputic (see My Writing Process – for some of my better blog posts). Sometimes it seems we can’t say what we feel to people but we feel that we need to express this emotion. So I decided a month ago to write an unsent letter.

The idea is basically that you write a letter to the person expressing how you feel, but you don’t actually send it. So a month ago today, I wrote this letter:

Dear name,

Before we met I had noticed you and it seems that you had noticed me too. I was attracted to your deep dark eyes that showed your caring, playful nature and your beautiful body. We met and chatted, you were full of dreams and aspirations. Things started to develop, at times you confused me, did my head in but my heart always loved you. We had an intimate night in which I felt my heart explode with emotions of joy. The truth is that I often relive that night in my mind, the rollercoaster of emotions I felt and then remember that life got in the way.

I care for you deeply and have a desire for you to find happiness. It is obvious that in my ideal world it would be with me. But this is not an ideal world and you are not with me.

You have become part of the gay culture in Manchester. You seem to have taken on their values, that gay men are to be used for sex. This was confirmed when you sent that facebook message saying I should fuck you, even though you have a boyfriend. Where has the caring, playful and full of aspiration name gone? It seems you have no aspirations other to be in this relationship you are in. Where has the idea of going to Uni gone? Where’s the contact with your family that you highly valued at one time?

I guess change in people is inevitable. Just try and stay true to that lovely guy you were when I first met you.

With all my love always,

Antony

I deliberately removed the name, but he will know who he is. This is partly because he will recognise our unique relationship and partly because I accidently-on-purpose sent the letter over Facebook.

Did I miss the point of this exercise? Well no. You see this person and I don’t talk often any more, so what did I have to loose?

He replied about a day later via text:
Idk [I don’t know] what to say. X
I replied:
I’d sussed that. I needed to express how I feel. I wasn’t gonna send it then I thought what hav I got to loose? We dnt tlk anymore. A x x x

A day or so later we bumped in to each other and talked. It came out that he likes me but that he felt hurt from what happened last time. I can understand that. And in honesty, it was my fault. I messed up. There was a lot going round in my head at the time and a lot going on in my life.

I don’t know what I expected him to say? I know what I’d of liked him to say – that was in the letter. I am pleased he read it and I’m pleased that he let me know how he felt and feels. I guess that’s all I could of asked for.

Take care,

Antony

The song I was listening to when I wrote the letter:

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Friday 23 October 2009

An update on Men

By Health, Love & Relationships2 Comments

Recently I posted about the Men in my life right now (see Men). Well everyone the plot thickens, so here’s a quick update:

1. The date? – He canceled as was unwell. He did sound ill when he rang me to be honest and I didn’t want to particularly catch what ever it was he had. However he’s been quiet on the text. I have even texted him asking him if he would like to rearrange our brunch date. No response. Guess he has lost his bottle or his interest in me or both.

2. The friendly ex – I have had to reinforce my I-just-want-friendship feelings to him recently. He is going a way on Hols soon, I hope he has a really good time.

3. David – I guess my recent blog post entitled Control didn’t help in terms of him wanting to talk to me. He’s still not answering my calls. It’s worse than before as he doesn’t just let his phone ring off he actually presses the ignore button after which the automated womans voice says “The user is busy. Please try again later.” Don’t you just hate that?

4. A friend with benefits – A new comer on the man front. He is an old friend who used to be a friend with benefits (I think that clearly explains it?) from well before I met David. I always wanted to date him and perhaps if dating worked out start a proper relationship. But he didn’t. He’s apparently seen my status on Facebook and decided to get in touch. I have arranged a meal with him on a date next week, so I’ll keep you informed.

In other news – I am not at all well. I have not slept well and when I have I have disturbing nightmares, I’m feeling tired all the time, by blood sugars are messed up and I’m sure I’ve got some infection or other. My nose is like a tap and I have a terrible cough, sore throat – basically I’m falling to pieces.

Blog when feeling better,

Antony

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Friday 17 July 2009
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