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Anger & Depression – My Current Stages of Grief

By Health, Life, ThinkingNo Comments

Loss leads to a grieving process. I feel like my vasculitis diagnosis and accompanying symptoms have led to a loss of a quality of life, as well as a shorter life expectancy than I had expected. So I’m currently grieving.

I’ve done the denial and shock stages of grief, but am currently struggling with the anger and depression stages.

Anger is a weird one. I’m not angry at a person or God, but I’m angry with the whole way this universe works. It feels unfair and even though I know logically that life isn’t always fair, I’m still angry about it. Anger isn’t something I experience often and it is one of those feelings that for me is uncomfortable. I’m rarely ever angry so my resilence to tolerating this emotion is quite low, as are my coping strategies for dealing with it.

Depression on the other hand is bunch of feelings that I’m far too familiar with due to having bipolar. Hoplessness, a lack of joy, physical/mental exhaustion, I could go on, but I won’t.

These feelings of anger and depression are a normal part of the grieving process. I know that. But it doesn’t make them any easier to deal with. I’m struggling to cope, so I’ve referred myself for some counselling. I know there’s really no solution to these feelings, they are not a problem or a puzzle to be solved, they have to be experienced, in order to move on to the acceptance stage.

Right now I’m focusing on being patient and kind to everyone – including myself, so that I don’t inflict any harm on anyone because of how I am feeling.

I am acutely aware that my last few blog posts haven’t been positive. But I suppose that’s to be expected when you’re grieving.

Write soon,

Antony

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Saturday 29 June 2024

Nasal Surgery Update – The Dreaded ‘V’ Word

By Health, LifeNo Comments

On Tuesday of this week, I was invited down to the hospital where I was having Nasal Surgery for a CT Scan. The CT Scan was successfully undertaken.

Two weeks before the surgery they did a blood test that indicates if vasculitis is a possibility and it was positive.

Today, after a sleepless night, filled with worry and which resulting in me writing a very short For The Unlikely Event of My Death letter, I had nasal surgery.

You may be pleased to read that I survived the general anesthetic. I’m counting this as just about the only win of the day.

They completed a nasal wash out and took several biopsies. They are 99% sure the damage has vasculitis, which is a rare and particularly aggressive autoimmune disease.

The nasal damage, vasculitis, the worry and stress are all having a negative impact on my diabetes.

So the current plan is:

  • An urgent referral to a vasculitis Consultant that will see me with 2 weeks.
  • A Chest X-Ray completed today to check for signs of vasculitis in my lungs.
  • A review by ENT Consultant in 3-4 weeks, to look at biopsy results and with a view to repairing the damage once the vasculitis is well managed.
  • Long term steroids (Prednisolone) to help manage the vasculitis.
  • An urgent referral to Dieticians to go through Carb Counting, in preparation for looking at getting an insulin pump to better manage my diabetes. Vasculitis, steroids, nasal damage, stress and anxiety will make managing my diabetes more difficult as they all increase blood sugar levels. So an insulin pump linked to a blood sugar sensor seems the way to go with this.
  • To have a telephone review by the Diabetes Specialist Nurse in 2 weeks and to look at getting a preparation for pump appointment.
  • A review by the Mental Health Team in a few weeks to look at the possibility of starting lithium as my bipolar symptoms are getting worse and other medications I’ve tried have too severe side effects.
  • Anything else I may have missed off this list.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the influx of very kind messages, wishing me well and enquiring how surgery went. I have been overwhelmed from the responses on both social media and private messages. Please forgive me if I have not replied to you individually yet.

I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted right now and there’s obviously a lot of information to process, a lot going on and a lot to do.

Write soon,

Antony

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Friday 3 May 2024

Venue Review: Feast at the Mills

By Friends & Family, Happiness & Joy, Life, ReviewsNo Comments

This is a review of the outdoor venue Feast at the Mills in Wigan. Last weekend, a lovely family (who have unofficially adopted me) and I headed to Feats at the Mills. It was a Sunday lunchtime. So we had the pleasure of seeing Back to the Future on their cinema-sized screen.

On entering Feasts we saw four food vendors, a cake vendor, a coffee vendor, a bar and plenty of space to relax. I would say that the set up is very bare bones at the moment. Woodchip makes up the counters that isn’t even painted in places and electric lighting is limited.

There is also lack of heaters in the outside venue. They’ve tried to make up for this with blankets dotted around the place. But I would recommend that when you visit, dress warmly – as afterall we are in the North of England.

It should be noted for you Cash is King people that the food vendors don’t accept cash, only card payments. The bar does accept cash, but they prefer card payments. They welcome pets, families and have toilets.

Both the family and I wanted coffee and had to ask for a member of staff on both occasions to staff the stall. Yet there were three staff behind the bar and an additional one milling about and generally looking disinterested and unhappy to be there. Given the cold weather that day, you’d think they’d have kept the coffee vendor staffed at all times, as people really weren’t after alcohol at that time in the day.

Now onto the food. For me, the main attraction at any venue. They had a Stake Shack, a pizza place, a chicken place and a Greek place. I ate from the Stake Shack, getting a stake, chips and peppercorn sauce which was delicious. For desert I got pancakes and ice cream which were both brilliant. The food and live music are what make this venue truly unique, however no live music is on till about 3PM on a Sunday, which was the time we had to leave. Therefore I can only speak about the food.

Overall it was a pleasant and enjoyable experience. It is the perfect place to meet up and catch up with family/friends. The food is excellent, but what made the experience special to me was spending good times with family.

Review soon,

Antony

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Wednesday 1 May 2024

Preparing for Surgery

By Health, Life, PaganismNo Comments

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Theodore Roosevelt

I love this quote, so with this quote in mind: I have done a candle magic spell and set up a crystal grid:

The crystal grid (photo above) includes a Lapis Lazuli point, two red Tiger’s Eye crystals, two regular Tiger’s Eye Crystals and three Carnelian crystals. Centre is a blue candle for healing.

I need upcoming nasal surgery to be successful. I need to feel healthy again, in order to be happy and return to normality.

My very best wishes,

Antony

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Sunday 21 April 2024
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