I’ve mentioned before that I find writing this blog theraputic (see My Writing Process – for some of my better blog posts). Sometimes it seems we can’t say what we feel to people but we feel that we need to express this emotion. So I decided a month ago to write an unsent letter.
The idea is basically that you write a letter to the person expressing how you feel, but you don’t actually send it. So a month ago today, I wrote this letter:
Before we met I had noticed you and it seems that you had noticed me too. I was attracted to your deep dark eyes that showed your caring, playful nature and your beautiful body. We met and chatted, you were full of dreams and aspirations. Things started to develop, at times you confused me, did my head in but my heart always loved you. We had an intimate night in which I felt my heart explode with emotions of joy. The truth is that I often relive that night in my mind, the rollercoaster of emotions I felt and then remember that life got in the way.
I care for you deeply and have a desire for you to find happiness. It is obvious that in my ideal world it would be with me. But this is not an ideal world and you are not with me.
You have become part of the gay culture in Manchester. You seem to have taken on their values, that gay men are to be used for sex. This was confirmed when you sent that facebook message saying I should fuck you, even though you have a boyfriend. Where has the caring, playful and full of aspiration name gone? It seems you have no aspirations other to be in this relationship you are in. Where has the idea of going to Uni gone? Where’s the contact with your family that you highly valued at one time?
I guess change in people is inevitable. Just try and stay true to that lovely guy you were when I first met you.
With all my love always,
I deliberately removed the name, but he will know who he is. This is partly because he will recognise our unique relationship and partly because I accidently-on-purpose sent the letter over Facebook.
Did I miss the point of this exercise? Well no. You see this person and I don’t talk often any more, so what did I have to loose?
He replied about a day later via text:
Idk [I don’t know] what to say. X
I’d sussed that. I needed to express how I feel. I wasn’t gonna send it then I thought what hav I got to loose? We dnt tlk anymore. A x x x
A day or so later we bumped in to each other and talked. It came out that he likes me but that he felt hurt from what happened last time. I can understand that. And in honesty, it was my fault. I messed up. There was a lot going round in my head at the time and a lot going on in my life.
I don’t know what I expected him to say? I know what I’d of liked him to say – that was in the letter. I am pleased he read it and I’m pleased that he let me know how he felt and feels. I guess that’s all I could of asked for.
The song I was listening to when I wrote the letter: