Thirty years old. It was a busy day with many highlights. My close family and I went out for a meal in my favourite restaurant Gallimore’s. I was so pleased that almost everyone could and did come. Here are photos of my cake and balloons:
My 30th Birthday Cake: Minion Bob.
My 30th Birthday Balloons.
Gallimore’s Fine Restaurant served sublime and tasty food and the service was excellent. My thanks to Gallimore’s for making my birthday even more special.
I was completely overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity from my family and friends on my birthday. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the Facebook messages, the cards, the balloons, the gifts and the money from family and friends.
At the end of the month, some good friends and I are going to Chester Zoo to see the new Islands Exhibit.
Big birthdays always cause me to reflect on my life so far. I think about what I’ve done and not done. What I’ve experienced and haven’t experienced. I play what if scenarios out in my head for both the past and the future.
I first discovered the amazing Writer Elizabeth Gilbert when she did a TED talk on creativity (see this TED talk at the end of this post).
Gilbert became a huge success back in 2006, when her memoir Eat, Pray, Love became an international bestseller. It was later made into a film. Prior to this Gilbert had always felt that it was her responsibility to take care of her creativity, so wrote while holding down other jobs. This big success meant she could afford to write full-time. I intend to read and review Eat, Pray, Love at some point in the future.
Gilbert was inspired by creativity, the creative process and the concept of creative living. She began to explore how other cultures throughout history had viewed creativity and the artists that create. This lead her to study the ancient Romans and Greeks. Which in turn led to her quirky and unconventional views about creative living, which she explores in Big Magic – Creative Living Beyond Fear.
is split into six parts: Courage, Enchantment, Permission, Persistence, Trust & Divinity. Each section deserves to be written about individually, which is what I have done below:
Courage
Gilbert starts by defining what creative living means to her. She describes it as having the courage to follow your aspirations, longings and talents. Gilbert writes about desires, that you are driven to do from somewhere deep within. Things or activities that have great meaning to you. Gilbert’s examples include: writing, dancing, painting and basically anything with any sort of activity that has an element of creativity within it.
Gilbert writes about fear. She recognises that fear can and does stop some people from living creatively. But as she explains, fear is boring – as fear’s inner voice repeats the same things. Whereas living creatively is never boring. Gilbert advises the reader that fear is not to be conquered, but acknowledged and thanked for its concern. Then the reader should do the thing that scares them anyway.
Gilbert’s key message in this section is that the reader should follow their curiosity without being inhibited by their fear.
Enchantment
Gilbert believes that ideas are disembodied energy that wants to manifest. But in order to do that they need to work with willing, creative humans. Humans that will commit their time and energy to bringing the idea into reality.
A good lesson learned from Gilbert in this section is that you have to make space for the idea. Both physically and figuratively. Which is why in my workspace, my desk has been cleared, ideas have been listed on the wall (in the order that they will be completed) and that time is regularly set aside to work on the idea at the front of the queue.
Gilbert writes that if the reader commits to an idea, that they should try to keep their end of the bargain. Otherwise the neglected idea will eventually get fed up of excuses, waiting and will continue on its travels looking for another human collaborative partner.
Gilbert gives an example from her own life, writing about an idea for a book that got away from her and found its way to Ann Pattchett (another author who has an especially special place in my heart for writing The Magician’s Assistant, but I digress). Gilbert tells the story of a conversation she had with Pattchett:
I tried to summarize my ex-novel as concisely as possible. I said, “It was about this middle-aged spinster from Minnesota who’s been quietly in love with her married boss for many years. He gets involved in a harebrained business scheme down in the Amazon jungle. A bunch of money and a person go missing, and my character gets sent down there to solve things, at which point her quiet life is turned into chaos. Also, it’s a love story.”
Ann stared at me from across the table for a long minute.
Before I continue, I must give you to understand that – decidedly unlike myself – Ann Patchett is a true lady. She has exquisite manners. There is nothing vulgar or coarse about her, which made it even more shocking when she finally spoke:
“You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
“Why? I asked. “what’s your novel about?”
She replied, “It’s about a spinster from Minnesota who’s been quietly in love with her married boss for many years. He gets involved in a harebrained business scheme down in the Amazon jungle. A bunch of money and a person go missing, and my character is sent down there to solve things. At which point her quiet life is completely turned into chaos. Also, it’s a love story.”
Gilbert explains that she never felt the need to be given permission to begin writing; but that some people do feel the need for permission to create. So she advises the reader to give themselves permission to start living creatively. She advises the reader to label themselves, i.e. I am a Writer. Gilbert advises the reader to be authentic and live creatively, first and foremost for themselves.
Gilbert advises the reader to avoid getting into debt. According to Gilbert debt leads to trappings that will greatly influence the ability to live creatively. Being debt free is likely something that most readers will need to work on.
Persistence
Gilbert encourages readers to keep going and don’t be disheartened if the first thing created gets no recognition. Take your time. Learn your craft. She reminds readers that people go to great lengths to create, often maintaining a day job, having busy lives, but always making the time for creativity.
Gilbert motivates her readers to protect the space and time to create from intrusions, distractions and most of all procrastination. Procrastination can be fear’s way of avoiding starting, continuing or finishing a creative project. So watch out – because fear can be sneaky in its tactics.
Gilbert advises of the perfectionism pitfall for creatives. She writes that done is better than good. Yes, by all means work hard to make sure the work is good, but good enough will do. Aiming for perfection is where most people set themselves up to fail, because perfection is an unrealistic goal that either drives a person insane or causes them to give up on an idea.
Trust
Gilbert writes that a creative should go where the idea takes them, even if it’s emotionally uncomfortable. Gilbert states that you should trust in the idea and continue with Stubborn Gladness.
For Gilbert, living creatively is all about following where curiosity takes her. She encourages the reader to follow their own curiosity.
Divinity
Gilbert concludes by writing that creativity is scared and that the reader should start creative living immediately.
Throughout Big Magic Gilbert’s writers voice is warm and engaging. Gilbert tells many wonderful, meaningful and great little stories as examples of her ideas on creativity in action. She tells these stories exceptionally well.
Stories are not the most scientific form of evidence. But does there need to be empirical evidence for creativity and the creative process? After all, even those at the heart of creative processes struggle understand or explain how their creative process works.
What matters in Big Magic, is that Gilbert writes her truth. Every word is written for herself – so that she can further her study of creativity.
The audience for this book is anyone that wants to live a creative and fulfilled life. Gilbert is undoubtably clever, wise and inspiring in Big Magic. The reader will find that some, most or all of Gilbert’s work will resonate with themselves.
So go and buy Big Magic to lap up some creative living inspiration. Big Magic is available to buy on Amazon.
Review soon,
Antony
TED Talk – Your Elusive Creative Genius by Elizabeth Gilbert
Elizabeth Gilbert muses on the impossible things we expect from artists and geniuses — and shares the radical idea that, instead of the rare person “being” a genius, all of us “have” a genius. It’s a funny, personal and surprisingly moving talk.
(From: TED, Last Accessed: Thursday 3rd December 2015.)
Recently, I had to take an unexpected what-I-call Life Hiatus. My mental health had gradually deteriorated to the point were I was having severe and erratic mood swings. Everyone’s mood fluctuates throughout the day, but not to the extremes I was experiencing.
People talk about good and bad days with depression. I was having good, bad, okay or mixed mood states lasting between 45 minutes to 4-6 hours. These mood swings were unpredictable with no pattern. They didn’t have triggers and were not related to a critical inner voice.
These mood swings were torturous. See My Mood Swing Table below for details of what these mood swings were like.
I felt desperate for the mood swings to end. To the point of having suicidal ideation and a clear plan of action.
I had thought that I was objective about my mental health. But because the mood swings had gradually got worse I hadn’t realised how unwell I was. I sought help because three people close to me said that I wasn’t well. Luckily I had these people around me and knew that could trust them, even if I couldn’t trust myself.
So I went to my local A&E. I was assessed by a Mental Health Nurse and together we decided that I needed admission. I stayed on the A&E Ward overnight, whilst I waited for an available bed on a mental health ward.
The next evening, I was transferred to a mental health ward. On arrival at the ward, my possessions were searched and Nursing Staff took my shoe laces, belt, hoodie (due to cord in hood), phone charger, lighters and medication. The ward layout was a square shaped main corridor with dormitories, individual rooms and many other rooms that where behind locked doors.
The first night was frightening. Everything about the place was frightening. The environment. The locked doors. The routine. The rules I hadn’t been told. The other patients. The staff. I even found my own mood swings frightening. At one point, I was physically shaking uncontrollably due to the fear and anxiety.
I was assessed by a Psychiatrist and commenced on 10 minute observations. It would be a few days before I was reviewed. At the time, I couldn’t understand why they appeared to be doing very little to help me and my state of mind. But afterwards, I realised that they had wanted to observe me and see my mood swings for themselves.
The Consultant Psychiatrist diagnosed me with a ‘Mood Disorder.’ Here is a definition of a ‘mood disorder:’
mood disorder – noun
a psychological disorder characterized by the elevation or lowering of a person’s mood, such as depression or bipolar disorder.
(From: Google, Last Accessed: Friday 27th November 2015.)
The Consultant Psychiatrist informed me that they were reluctant to give a more specific diagnosis on the first admission to a mental health ward. I told the Consultant Psychiatrist that I didn’t care what they called it, as long as they gave me some medication that worked. I explained that with some stability in mood, I could make further psychological and behavioural changes to help myself to get well and stay well.
I was started on Quetiapine, an antipsychotic and mood stabiliser medication. It was to help to take the edge off my mood swings and give me some stability of mood. I was also started on Mirtazapine, an antidepressant. This was to help to manage the depression/low moods.
Overall, I was an in-patient on the mental health ward for about 12 days. During this time, my Mum and good friend Steve were superb. They took over all my responsibilities and made sure that everything in the outside world was sorted, meaning that I didn’t have to worry about anything – apart from getting better.
I will never be able to thank Mum and Steve enough for what they have done for me, but I have repeatedly thanked them anyway. I will never be able to explain how much I appreciate them for everything that they have done for me, but I have tried to explain anyway.
I feel that I got to this crisis point because I waited so long to get referred to and assessed by Community Mental Health Services. It feels like Community Mental Health Services are designed to keep people out, rather than let people in to get the help and support that they need and in most cases are asking for. This is probably because of a lack of resources in mental health services. But this really doesn’t help and support people with mental health problems to get and stay well.
I have been discharged from the hospital and am and engaged with Community Mental Health Services. Recovery will be a slow and progressive one. I am taking the medication as prescribed, attending appointments with community services and setting myself daily goals that I am currently achieving.
Write soon,
Antony
My Mood Swing Table
Highs
Okays
Lows
Mixed Mood States
Physical Symptoms
High energy levels.
Very productive.
Difficulty in getting/staying asleep.
Head aches.
Speaking Quickly.
Hypersexualised.
Relatively symptom free. Considering the extreme High and Low physical symptoms.
Exhaustion – despite sleeping for many, many hours.
Back pain and stomach pain that doesn’t resolve with appropriate treatments.
Head aches.
Constipation.
Physical anxiety symptoms: raised pulse and blood pressure.
A mix of high, low and okay physical symptoms to varying degrees of severity.
Mental / Cognitive Symptoms
Racing thoughts – lots of ideas, but struggling to focus on one for long enough.
Difficulty in concentrating.
A rush of ideas for creative projects.
Saying whatever I think without considering the implications of what I’m saying.
Grandiose thinking – Thinking I can do anything to a level beyond the level of an expert.
Thinking that I understand things on a much deeper level than everyone else.
Short-term memory loss.
Insomnia and night terrors.
Slower mental and cognitive functioning, compared to when I was well.
Limited/no concentration span.
Short-term memory loss.
Critical inner voice.
Thoughts about what other people negatively think about me.
Insomnia and night terrors.
Concern about loosing my mind.
A mix of high, low and okay mental / cognitive symptoms to varying degrees of severity.
Concern about loosing my mind.
Concern about what mood would come next and its severity.
Emotional Symptoms
Excessively joyful with no reason for this state of mood.
Super confident. Loads of self-esteem.
Excessively excited again without reason.
Feeling like I can do anything.
Feeling frustrated or irritable without a reason.
Varying levels of anxiety, from worried to outright panic.
Void of any emotion.
Zombified. Feeling like what I imagine a zombie feels like.
Going through the motions.
Despair and hopelessness.
No confidence and rockbottom self-esteem.
Feeling frustrated or irritable without a reason.
Feeling like I am falling down a dark bottomless pit.
Feeling guilt, inadequacy and feeling like a failure.
Varying levels of anxiety, from worried to outright panic.
Desperation – wanting the mental and emotional anguish to end.
Feeling like my mind, body and soul are being devoured and destroyed.
A mix of high, low and okay emotional symptoms to varying degrees of severity.
Behavioural Examples
Being super productive.
Being overtly social.
Take on too many commitments, thinking that I can do everything.
Impulsive behaviours – including excessive shopping, even when I don’t have the money.
Unfinished tasks – sometimes being unable to focus for long enough on tasks to complete them.
Able to function, but only just.
Loss of interest in leisure activities.
Unable to watch TV, read or do other leisure activities.
Overeating or forcing myself to eat despite having no appetite.
Poor personal hygiene.
No motivation.
Reckless spending of money – mostly through online shopping.
Social anxiety – isolating myself and avoiding social situations.
A mix of high, low and okay behaviours to varying degrees of severity.
Being in a relationship can be great. Here are 14 reasons why it’s great to be in a relationship:
14. The financial benefits. If you’re in a relationship it’s someone to share the bills with. Plus married or civil partnered couples get tax reductions.
13. Someone to share the housework with.
12. You double the size of your wardrobe. Providing that you’re both the same size.
11. You learn what you want from a relationship and from Mr Right. As well as what you don’t. These are important things to know.
10. Seeing him smile will make your day.
9. You learn more about yourself.
8. Sex. You’ll regularly have sex, with someone that you’ll feel conformable with. He’ll even know what you like and what you don’t. Vice versa. Sex with someone you’ve been with for a while becomes increasingly intimate, as you get an emotional bond with him. Some people say that the strengthening of the emotional bond over time can make sex an almost borderline spiritual experience. Plus a monogamous relationship reduces the risks of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) such as hepatitis and HIV.
7. Being in a relationship can be fun, and not just in the sack! You’ll do loads of fun things together and it’s even more fun because there’s always someone to share it with.
6. You’ll have someone who’ll listen to you ramble on about your day. He’ll be there to enjoy the highs and lows of the rollercoaster ride we call life.
5. You’ll never be lonely. You’ll always have someone around for company. Going to weddings, looking at the happy couple and wishing you had that what they have and weren’t alone- will never happen again.
4. A boost to your confidence and self-esteem. Knowing that someone finds you attractive, especially when they give you complements will boost your confidence and self-esteem.
3. You’ll be with someone that you trust and that you can to go to for support.
2. Someone who gets you. We all want someone who gets the real us. Truly understands who we are, sometimes knowing us better than we know ourselves. Being in a relationship can give you this and even help you to understand yourself a little better.
1. Being in love is awesome. It’s a life-changing experience, that’s why most songs are about love. Love is like a drug; it’ll make you feel high – bringing joy, happiness and lots of laughter into your life. But it can also make you feel low – bringing sadness, anger and jealousy into your life. Sometimes making you feel elated and disheartened all in one day. But most people find that the occasional low is worth the high.
Published by: The Gay UK on Tuesday 18th November 2014.
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Saturday 11 October 2014
About
Antony Simpson - Author, Blogger, Nurse & Witch.
Author of eight books.
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