Loss leads to a grieving process. I feel like my vasculitis diagnosis and accompanying symptoms have led to a loss of a quality of life, as well as a shorter life expectancy than I had expected. So I’m currently grieving.
I’ve done the denial and shock stages of grief, but am currently struggling with the anger and depression stages.
Anger is a weird one. I’m not angry at a person or God, but I’m angry with the whole way this universe works. It feels unfair and even though I know logically that life isn’t always fair, I’m still angry about it. Anger isn’t something I experience often and it is one of those feelings that for me is uncomfortable. I’m rarely ever angry so my resilence to tolerating this emotion is quite low, as are my coping strategies for dealing with it.
Depression on the other hand is bunch of feelings that I’m far too familiar with due to having bipolar. Hoplessness, a lack of joy, physical/mental exhaustion, I could go on, but I won’t.
These feelings of anger and depression are a normal part of the grieving process. I know that. But it doesn’t make them any easier to deal with. I’m struggling to cope, so I’ve referred myself for some counselling. I know there’s really no solution to these feelings, they are not a problem or a puzzle to be solved, they have to be experienced, in order to move on to the acceptance stage.
Right now I’m focusing on being patient and kind to everyone – including myself, so that I don’t inflict any harm on anyone because of how I am feeling.
I am acutely aware that my last few blog posts haven’t been positive. But I suppose that’s to be expected when you’re grieving.
Write soon,
Antony
