My Royal Navy Friend by Antony Simpson

Hey Roy,

Picture the scene, you’re on a ship but forced to jump into the cold ocean waters as it’s sinking. It isn’t long before you attract some unwanted attention. Sharks. They begin circling you and you know it won’t be long before you have to fight for your life.

Here’s my survival guide to this scenario:

1. Identify the type of sharks circling you. I’m sad to say that most sharks are carnivorous and would seek to gobble you up. However bonnethead sharks are vegetarian for 62% of the time, eating seagrass.
2. Don’t play dead. Sharks are smart and will know you are faking it. They’re also not opposed to eating dead humans.
3. Remain calm, keep eyes on them at all times and make sudden sporadic movements in an attempt to scare the sharks.
4. Look around for any weapons or things that could be used as weapons. Use whatever you find in your battle with the sharks.
5. If it’s hand to fin battle, focus your attention on the vulnerable parts of the sharks: their eyes, noses and gills. Avoid the mouth at all costs due to the sharp teeth.
6. I once heard a story of a man who was attacked by a shark and successfully fended it off by punching it in the nose. I don’t know how true this story is. But desperate times call for desperate measures, so definitely worth a try.
7. If you see a dolphin or a pod of dolphins call on them for help. They generally like humans and sharks are apparently afraid of them.
8. Don’t under any circumstances try to swim away. Sharks will see this as a sign of weakness and besides which, they can swim quicker than you. So trying to swim away would be a pointless waste of energy.
9. If all else fails, try to reason with the sharks. Explain to them the reasons they shouldn’t eat you. You could even tell them jokes or sing them a song in exchange for sparing your life.