Just over a year ago, I felt numb and like I was coasting through life. I was existing, rather than living. I hadn’t been well for a while and had recently been diagnosed with vasculitis.
People with vasculitis have a significantly reduced life expectancy when compared to that of the average person. This diagnosis caused me to re-think every aspect of my life. It caused me to ask myself: Are you happy? The answer was no.
So then I started asking myself: What would make you happier? I had to look at everything: my health, my work, my relationships with others, my passions (including writing), my finances, my home life, my mental & emotional health.
It was a daunting task. Sometimes, it is easier to be stuck in an unhappy and unfulfilling rut, rather than be brave and face the truth. Especially when facing and accepting where I was in my life involved acknowledging the unhappiness and beginning to make changes.
Change is always hard. Our brains like patterns of behaviour. They are key to our survival as a species, but not key to a healthier and happier life.
So I got counselling. I explored every aspect of my life. I started making changes: prioritising my health, changing jobs, working with others to improve relationships – resetting of expectations and putting in boundaries, getting back on the dating apps, working on a more balanced approach to pursuing my passions, reducing my financial outgoings were possible and trying harder to stick to a budget, getting rid of excess clutter at home and generally taking better care of my mental and emotional health.
None of it was easy. And I’m still not where I want to be. But I’m pleased to say my health has improved in some areas such as my diabetes management & mental health. I am also happier than I can ever remember being.
Imagine living with a secret that could get you killed. Imagine the lengths you would have to go to to keep this secret. Imagine growing up being told that people like you are unnatural and immoral. In these circumstances how would you cope? How would you protect your mental and emotional health?
What I’ve just described is the life of some gay men in some places. They aren’t able to choose who they love. They face being disowned by their family and friends, assaults, criminal prosecution and potentially even being sentenced to death. Just because of who they are and who they are attracted to/fall in love with.
In the UK, gay men have equal rights in law and attitudes are becoming more positive towards gay men. But this wasn’t always the case.
Just fifty years ago, being gay was illegal in the UK. Gay men weren’t out, they couldn’t marry their male partners, couldn’t adopt children as a gay couple and couldn’t give blood.
If fifty years ago a gay man had come out and told people of their sexuality they would face legal consequences (such as being locked up in a mental hospital or worse chemical castration). They would face being disowned by their community (if not driven out of it), become the repeated victim of crime, experience unsympathetic and homophobic Police, experience discrimination when buying goods or accessing services, be unable to get employment and many other negative consequences. All because they’d been honest about who they are and who they are romantically attracted to.
Given this history of prejudice and discrimination (both on individual and institutional levels), it’s not surprising that coming out is a big event for gay men. Gay men who do come out show emotional vulnerability, driven by a desire for loved ones to fully know them and a hope that they will accept them for who they are. It explains why some people gay men will never come out and take the secret of who they are to their grave.
It also explains why gay men often have mental health issues (including being at greater risk of suicide), low self-esteem, problems with addiction (self-medicating difficult emotions such as shame or fear) and generally worse health outcomes than heterosexual people. There’s a lot of shame, self-loathing and unhappiness in the gay community. It is currently getting better in the UK, with younger generations of gay men experiencing these issues to a lesser extent.
But around the world there are many places where it is extremely unsafe to be a gay man. Where gay men still have to hide who they are. I think it’s really sad that gay men have only got equal rights in some countries, but not others.
Here are some countries where it is unsafe to be a gay man and what the legal consequences could be for coming out. An out gay man in any of these countries would likely experience the same prejudice and discrimination that an out gay man would have experienced in the UK fifty years ago. This is by no means an exhaustive list. Just some of the main countries I found out about whilst doing research for this blog post.
Country
Legal Consequences
Egypt
Up to 17 years in prison, with or without hard labour.
Morocco
Up to 6 years in prison, with hard labour.
Tunisia
3 years in prison.
Ghana
3 years in prison.
Nigeria
Up to 14 years in prison. They have the death penalty in some parts, but it is apparently not used.
Kenya
Up to 14 years in prison.
Saudi Arabia
Very barbaric. Death penalty, or prison. Fines and floggings.
United Arab Emirates
Prison time. Minimum 6 months, but no upper maximum amount of time (up to the Courts).
Bangladesh
10 years to life prison sentence.
Maldives
Up to 8 years in prison.
Pakistan
2 years to life in prison.
Sri Lanka
Up to 10 years in prison, plus fines.
Malaysia
20 years in prison.
What struck me after I compiled the list above, is that for some people, their holiday destination might be listed. I wonder if the people going on holiday to these places realise how they treat gay men there? Just a thought.
If you enjoyed this blog post, you might enjoy my Influential UK Gay Men article which is available as a free download here.
10. It allows LGBT people to be visible and celebrated as part of society. This is great for young people who are LGBT. It gives them hope and positive role models.
9. It helps to create safe spaces for LGBT people to be themselves. Without the risk of verbal or physical attack.
8. It helps bring the community together, as LGBT are a minority group.
7. It raises money for LGBT people with HIV or who have been made homeless due to being an LGBT person.
6. It allows businesses, public institutions/organisations and charities the opportunity to show their support to the LGBT community. In the past, some of these organisations may have treated LGBT people appallingly.
5. It is an opportunity to remember the LGBT people that came before. Those that campaigned for the rights that LGBT people have today.
4. It is an opportunity to show others that what we all have in common. What brings us together as a society.
3. It is an opportunity for our straight allies to celebrate with us.
2. LGBT people still face disproportionately high health issues, such as issues with poor mental health and addictions.
1. We still haven’t got equality for LGBT people in the UK yet. Never mind globally.
Today, my good friend Simon and I went to see the funny, sexy, fabulous and proudly gay Comedian Larry Dean. We had front row seats for his energetic performance where he mostly spoke about his relationship with his grandma (who had dementia), his autism diagnosis and his partner.
Dean was performing at the Lowry in Salford Quays. Dean had the audience laughing loudly throughout his over an hour long set. My face ached from laughing so much. Dean oozed sexyness and fabulousness. I think it goes without saying, that I’m a Dean fan boy.
I had a great time and can’t wait to see Dean live again soon. Here are some photos of Simon and I taken just prior to the gig:
Write soon,
Antony
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Saturday 19 April 2025
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Antony Simpson - Author, Blogger, Nurse & Witch.
Author of eight books.
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