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What’s Going On In My Head

By Life, ThinkingNo Comments

I’ve had a lot going on in my head recently, so much so that I decided to write my thoughts out as a mind map. The idea was to offload my thoughts on to the paper. I’ve written this blog post for the same reason. So this blog post is about me and mainly written for me.

Here is the mind map:


A mind map of thoughts to show what’s going on in my head.

As you can see I quickly ran out of room on the paper. So here’s the list of just some of the thoughts going on in my head:

My Brother after his recent spinal surgery – He is now in recovery. I am relieved that his surgery went well. But I worry that he’ll push himself too hard, as sometimes he thinks he’s indestructible.

My friend whose mum recently passed away – It was an expected death. His mum was 87 years old and had been in ill health for the last few months. She’d had a long and happy life and been in good health for most of her life. But it was still his mum. I have thought about my friend and his family often since I heard the news earlier this week.

How good my new Dorothy Morrison candles & oils smell – For several months I’ve been putting in small orders with The Angry Cauldron, ordering a few Dorothy Morrison candles and oils each month. A few weeks ago, I paid combined shipping and my orders arrived earlier on in the week:


Photo above is of my candle collection.


Photo above is of my oils chest. Included are Dorothy Morrison limited edition oils and other essential oils.

Need eyes testing – I’ve not had an eye test by an Optician for a while. The Optician has sent two letters. Need to sort this out.

Vodafone letters wrongly stating I owe money – Vodafone have apparently sold a £100 debt of mine to another company. The problem is that I don’t owe Vodafone any money. I left Vodafone two years ago (in May) and everything was paid in full by Direct Debit. I have the bank statements to prove it.

The good time had at Grandma’s 57th Birthday meal – The family met up for my Grandma’s 75th birthday. We went for a meal in one of my favourite restaurants. I had a great time and have found myself frequently thinking of the family and the meal.

Week Off Work – I’ve got a week of annual leave coming up. I can’t wait. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to spend my time during that week off.

My friend’s Wedding in May – I’ve been thinking about what to wear, what to buy as gifts and what to take with me to the hotel (I’ve booked a 2 night stay in the hotel where the wedding is taking place).

What I’d do if I won the euromillions jackpot – The euromillions jackpot has been won quite a few times by UK winners this year. At the moment it keeps rolling over, making the jackpot prize bigger and bigger. So for the last few weeks I’ve been buying tickets and fantasising about what I’d do if I won the euromillions jackpot.

Electricity Final Bill – I misread my final electricity bill from SSE. I saw a credit on my account and not the debt balance that was in green. Easily done. But has meant that I have to find over £200 to pay the final bill.

I’ve left SSE via uSwitch for two reasons. Firstly because they didn’t take enough money by Direct Debt, so I was always in debt with them. I had repeatedly asked them to increase the Direct Debit, but they never did. The second reason was to save £50 per year.

Need to get rid of old sofa – My mum is kindly giving me her old sofa when she gets a new one. This is great because my sofa is on its last legs.

Man with a Van for new sofa – See above.

My Depressive Episode (December 2016 to now) – In December I started having some difficulties with my mood. I put it down to Christmas and being busy. My mood problems continued in January, with me noticing more symptoms. Again I put it down to busyness. In February I started talking to my GP about it. Fast forward to this week and my GP has referred me to my local Community Mental Health Team to review my medication.

The result of this depressive episode is that I’ve been working, eating, bathing, sleeping (terribly) and doing nothing else. Very little reading. Practically no creative output including no writing, no blog posts and even no thinking about them. Depression makes you feel empty, no ideas, no inspiration, no motivation, no energy and no drive.

I have been mediating more often, taking more time to relax and tried to do more of the things that I like.

My car needs a clean – The inside of my car looks like a shanty town. This is one my signs and symptoms of depression.

Candle Making: Pumpkin Spice orange candles – I really want to make a batch of Pumpkin Spice scented orange candles for Samhain (Halloween). I have the perfect jars to put the candles in. But I need supplies and that means I need money. Despite not having the money or energy/motivation to make them now, I like to think about them. How good they would look. How good they would smell.

John Smith from The Dead Zone by Stephen King – I’ve been slowly reading The Dead Zone by Stephen King. It’s about a guy called John Smith who recovers from a coma and can see the future by touching people or things. What I can’t get over is the main character’s name. John Smith. The story makes clear from the outset that he is an average guy. So using such a common place name to represent that he’s an average guy is not required. It strikes me as lazy on King’s behalf. It’s a great story, but is let down by John Smith’s name.


My New Hoover bought on Amazon: VYTRONIX VTBC01 1400w Compact Cyclonic Bagless Cylinder Vacuum Cleaner HEPA Hoover

Microwave needs replacing – At home things generally break in threes.

First the hoover started making noises like it was about to explode and take out half of the apartment block with it, so I bought a new one (pictured left) for a bargain price on Amazon. If you’re looking for a new hoover, then this is the one. It’s compact and the suction is powerful. I’ve been really impressed with it and didn’t realise how bad the old hoover actually was.

Since then the mop has snapped and the microwave has stopped heating up food properly and is rusting. So I now need to buy a new mop and microwave.

I wants – We all have an ego that demands things like a two year old child. On my list of wants right now are the following:

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Take care and blog soon,


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Finally…in Recovery and getting Back to Life

By Health, Life, ThinkingNo Comments

Me Drinking Coffee. Slowly Getting Back to Life 🙂

In January, everything stopped. I stopped being able to function and was ill. The truth is that I had been ill for a long time before this, but that I had continued to solider on – hoping that I would start to feel better.

Here were some of my symptoms:
Tick Box Bullet Point No concentration span. I wasn’t able to watch TV or films, read or write. I didn’t feel safe to drive, so I didn’t.
Tick Box Bullet Point Short term memory loss.
Tick Box Bullet Point Feeling constantly exhausted despite sleeping for many, many hours.
Tick Box Bullet Point Some insomnia and night terrors.
Tick Box Bullet Point Back pain – despite resting and regularly completing physiotherapy exercises.
Tick Box Bullet Point Head aches.
Tick Box Bullet Point Stomach ache/constipation despite eating a reasonably good diet.
Tick Box Bullet Point Poor personal hygiene and not cleaning my home environment.
Tick Box Bullet Point Overeating or forcing myself to eat despite feeling that I didn’t want to.

Tick Box Bullet Point No motivation – I found it extremely difficult and tiring to do the smallest of tasks.
Tick Box Bullet Point Reckless spending of money – mostly through online shopping.
Tick Box Bullet Point Any extremely variable mood which changed throughout the day and night. From being void of any feelings to a tornado of fast swirling feelings including: guilt, inadequacy and feeling like a failure.
Tick Box Bullet Point Anxiety – resulting in becoming antisocial and finding it difficult to leave home.
Tick Box Bullet Point Worry and panic about what people would think of me.
Tick Box Bullet Point Feeling hopeless, which is the worst feeling in the world.
Tick Box Bullet Point Feeling like I was loosing my mind.
Tick Box Bullet Point Feeling like I was falling down a dark bottomless pit.
Tick Box Bullet Point Feeling frustrated at not being able to snap out of it and that nothing I did made a difference to how I felt or my ability to function.
Tick Box Bullet Point Overly self-critical thoughts and zero self esteem. A critical inner voice that was loud and repetitive.
Tick Box Bullet Point At two particularly bad points I suffered from compulsions to end my life.
Tick Box Bullet Point In short, feeling like my mind, body and soul were being devoured and destroyed by this illness.

So I went to see my GP who completed the PHQ depression test and diagnosed me with severe clinical depression. At several points throughout my treatment, this test was repeated to check on my progress. At one point, I was scoring 24 out of a possible 27. My GP started me on antidepressants and encouraged me to self-refer for counselling.

The first antidepressant didn’t work, despite gradually increasing the dose to the maximum. Apparently this is really common, happening to at least 50% of people. So my GP gradually withdrew the first antidepressant and then started me on another – which thankfully is working. I self-referred to counselling, had an assessment and to this date am still on the waiting list.

January to May has felt like a write-off in every sense of the word. But I feel extremely lucky to have made it through this dark and difficult time. What’s that phrase? Ah yes…I believe I made it through by the skin on my teeth.

Looking back, I’ve had depressive tendencies for at least the last few years. I’ve been rubbish at spotting the symptoms in myself, but am much more aware of signs, symptoms and triggers now.

I’m still in recovery and it is a gradual process. I’m still on the antidepressants and will be for sometime. I’ve started taking multivitamins to make sure my body and mind is getting what it needs. But now I’m feeling good, better than I have felt in years. I’ve even started laughing again, proper belly laughs, which I haven’t done for what feels like forever.

Now I’m getting back to life. I’ve thanked those close to me for their support, love, care and kindness. I’ve gone back to work and realised that I have the most brilliant, amazing and fantastic work colleagues. They’ve been so supportive and I feel so lucky to work with such wonderful people.

Blog soon,



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