It’s an odd thing to loose someone in such a permanent way as death. The days and nights merge in to one; you can’t remember what you did or didn’t do and when. People call it ‘grief’ and it is an unpredictable creature, you don’t know how your going feel from one minute to the next. I am about to write about some of what I’ve experienced so far, but please bare in mind the unpredictability of this creature.
Shock – Initially to see him lying in the hospital was shocking.
Disbelief – This followed at the hospital and still continues now.
Anger – At the situation. Taken out on inanimate objects (please note that no objects were harmed or damaged).
Denial – Particularly when planning the funeral.
Waves of sadness – Triggered off by the smallest of things, such as his cup at mums.
Bargaining – At least he had 18 good years with family & friends that loved him.
Mother Hen-ing – Supporting others to deal with their feelings, putting mine to one side.
Humour – To diffuse tense atmospheres, saying things like “Alex would have loved the attention”.
Self Destruction – Limited to chain smoking and drinking too much alcohol.
Unrested Sleep – Sleeping a lot more than I normally would but waking up feeling more tired.
Self Neglect / Low Motivation – Eating crap food, only bathing when I absolutely need too, being energyless and staying in bed watching crappy TV. All in my pyjamas. Feeling like I don’t want to and can’t face seeing anyone.
Avoidance – Ignoring the event entirely. Becoming focus and involved on whatever crap TV I’m watching at the time.
It’s difficult at times, but I’ll get there. With the love, support and kindness of my dear family and friends.
Write soon,
Antony
