Shock – Initially to see him lying in the hospital was shocking.

Disbelief – This followed at the hospital and still continues now.

Anger – At the situation. Taken out on inanimate objects (please note that no objects were harmed or damaged).

Denial – Particularly when planning the funeral.

Waves of sadness – Triggered off by the smallest of things, such as his cup at mums.

Bargaining – At least he had 18 good years with family & friends that loved him.

Mother Hen-ing – Supporting others to deal with their feelings, putting mine to one side.

Humour – To diffuse tense atmospheres, saying things like “Alex would have loved the attention”.

Self Destruction – Limited to chain smoking and drinking too much alcohol.

Unrested Sleep – Sleeping a lot more than I normally would but waking up feeling more tired.

Self Neglect / Low Motivation – Eating crap food, only bathing when I absolutely need too, being energyless and staying in bed watching crappy TV. All in my pyjamas. Feeling like I don’t want to and can’t face seeing anyone.

Avoidance – Ignoring the event entirely. Becoming focus and involved on whatever crap TV I’m watching at the time.

It’s difficult at times, but I’ll get there. With the love, support and kindness of my dear family and friends.

Write soon,

Antony

I found it sooo funny. To help you appreciate the funniness Shakria’s version can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aEW_Z5Va5s

Leave a comment and let me know what you think,

Antony

This happened to me a few weeks ago. My friend (T) had always called herself the “scape goat”. I had thought for years that when people were saying this they were saying the escaped goat. I thought that it meant that you were good at escaping out of situations. I imagined a sort-of ninja goat with a band around it’s forehead and a rope shooter with a hook on the end. (Ok. My imagination ran away with me. It does that sometimes!)

So after giving the escaped goat a great deal of thought, I concluded:
“T. I wouldn’t mind being the ecaped lion, or tiger…you know with claws…or even… the escaped dolphin because it’s cute, but I don’t get why be a goat?”

Needless to say, T was very confused and I had to explain my thinking to her. She laughed and then she explained to me what she had actually been saying and explained what it actually mean’t.

Shortly after, I was telling another friend this experience, she sent me this:

Not how I imagined it, but I laughed – knowing I am not the only one with an over active imagination.

I think she may have found it off the Internet (I would like to credit the author, but I don’t know where my friend found it – and she can’t remember).

Write soon,

Antony

Missed me? I’ve been away at David’s for the first whole week ever. He doesn’t have the internet, hense no opportunity to blog. The week reminded me what I have learn’t about What makes a relationship work from past relationships as well as the present one with David. So here’s what I’ve learn’t:

Expectations
In order to make a relationship work you must know what you want out of it. Your expectations. Many relationship experts recommend if your single you make a list, so you know what your looking for. What these relationship experts often for get to tell you is that you also need to find out what your partner expects out of the relationship too. There’s two people in a relationship you know!

Issues
First you need to recognise your internal issues and then you need to start to deal with them. Whether it’s letting go of the past or dealing with your insecurities you need to deal with the psychological baggage we pick up as we go through life. One of the issues that many people have is confidence.

You must have confidence in yourself and who you are as a person. Someone once said to me: How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself? Confidence is a difficult thing to quantify but you know if you have it or not in a relationship. It is also equally difficult to build confidence, but it is doable.

Your partner will also have some of the psychological baggage or ‘issues’ that we all pick up in life. You can help by discussing both of your issues together and dealing with them together.

Communication
Communication that clear and honest is vital in any relationship. David and I have had a few arguements (see Job Interview & David and A mad week!) and they are always to do with unclear communication.

A recent example of unclear communication between David and I was the Monday (the 2nd night staying at his apartment). He was tired and had to wait for me to get in. I had forgot to mention to him that I was going to a friend’s and when I did I didn’t let him know when I would be home.

Result: an arguement. My issue getting my level of independance right (one of my ‘issues’) and his the lack of clear communication.

A Mental and Physical Connection
A mental connection also called companionship or friendship. Many people say “my partner is my best friend.” Now whereas I probably wouldn’t say they should be your best friend (as it would make you too reliant on them), they should come close. Mutal interests aid this mental connection. As does sharing the same personality characteristics (such as both playful, serious, artistic, etc.).

A physical connection, passion is also vital. You must fancy them, as much as they fancy you. Couples are strange. Some spend the whole ‘honeymood period’ in bed whereas other couples physical connection enhances as time goes by and they get comfortable with one another.

All couples will have their own way this area of their relationship develops. Your fine as long as it continually developing and not becoming routine or worse none exisistant. If this happens there are plenty of books that will give you advice on how to spice up the bedroom department.

Trust
I have seen many relationships break down due to a lack of trust between and in one another. Trust is a odd thing, it is a feeling of utter secure-ness. Like a duvet rapped tightly around yourself making you feel all warm, snug and secure. One of the wonderful things about being in a relationship with David is that I trust him 100%. In addition to this, the duvet feeling he immitates when he hugs me tightly in bed.

A Sense of Humour
For me one of the most wonderful thing is laughter. Laughter to me is the verbalised form of happiness. So a relationship with humour is a relationship with happiness. We all have essentially a sense of humour but sometimes we keep it locked inside. So every now and again, release it and let it out to play!

Individuality & Independance
Getting the right balance of individuality and independance is important. And definitately (from my own experience) not easy. Individuality is about remaining who you are. You are bound to pick up character traits, sayings and little ways off your partner but it is essential that you are you. Your partner fell for you, not for a clone of themselves.

Independance is about doing your own thing. This is benefical in as it gives you space and allows you not to become dependant on your significant other. Both you and your partner need your space in order to continue to grow and develop as individuals and neither of you wants to be completely dependant up on the other.

Rituals
I’m not talking pagan here (see Pagan Festivals). Rituals are little routines that you and your partner do together. Whether it’s Wednesday night take away night or staying in bed till late Sunday these routines allow you spend quality time together and bring your closer together.

Support
We all need support at times, whether we like to admit it or not. There will be hard times when you need support in a variety of senses: beit emotional stress, financial stress, ill health, etc. You need to realise when your partner needs support and he does you (this is made much easier with open, honest, clear communication).

Support can be offered in many ways. Being a sounding board for him, practical support (shopping for him during a stressful move), but even just being there with a calm stress-free energy can help.

So…
So this is what I’ve learn’t. I hope it is useful for your relationship. And if your single – I hope it helps you when you meet someone.

Blog soon,

Antony

Check out this video entitled If I were gay:

It has funny lines, romantic lines, sexual lines. The perceptions of a straight hetrosexual with his gay admire(er) friend.

Let me know what you think, by leaving a comment.

Hugs,